Its slowly falling apart

This was harder than I expected. Hurting more than I wanted. I will just have to work hard on building it back up.

There are little things messing up that are making the big things harder to bare. I've been crying again. Screaming.
I feel so stupid acting this way... I feel so stupid for falling love. I feel stupid for trusting him like I did.

My thoughts are hard to keep organized, I really can't focus at all. Some days are so confusing I just cry. Or things just fall a part and I cry.

I spilled water on my laptop, my dad was so mad.I couldn't find a way to work on my photo project. I just freaked out... UGH. I am not motivated at all to work on school.

My goal on not caring what people think is failing. That is all I think about more than ever.

I was so upset the other day. I really needed someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone. I wanted to call Nick.... Then I remembered he is the reason I don't have a person like him to talk to anymore. I just got more mad. More mad at him.

I need to be independent and fearless.

This love has become so tragic...

I know how you feel about me, that is why I am so confused it happen.

At least the way it happen....

I hate seeing us like this. I hate how much things have fallen apart. I hate the pain we have to go through... How are things supposed to get better from here?

I want to make everything better for us and forget it all just so we don't have to suffer anymore. Risk my heart a million times so we could be happy again...

I never saw us being here.

Telling anyone how I feel doesn't even compare to the real feeling... I don't even think you understand me.

You speak of all this pain and regret, like saying it enough would make things better.

I started talking to someone else because they reminded me of you in the ways I like, but he was different because he kept me distracted from thinking about you. It got old pretty quick... Now I'm back to facing what I have been trying to avoid, my broken heart.

I wish it was easy for me to say that we could work things out and believe you when you say it will never happen again.

I believe in love, but I believe that love is different in everyone's eyes. My love for you is unconditional, but it doesn't mean it will always be the same... People change. I'm pretty sure you love me, but not the way I thought you love me. The love I thought you had for me would have never even considered doing this to me... The person I knew would never do this to anyone.

I guess things would have been different if it was just a one time mistake, if you didn't really mean what you did or you were honest like I always asked. This is who you pretended to be... for me. I guess in a way that shows you care.

Have you honestly thought about how much pain you have brought into my life? You have hurt me more than anyone. I would have never done this to you...ever. Only someone with a selfish and blinding heart would even consider something like that.

Do you ever think about how fucked up the situation is??? SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How the fuck am I suppose to get over this???

FUCK YOU.

My heart is broken. I'm not the same person. I'm scared of trusting people and I feel stupid for talking about my feelings anymore. I feel so fucking alone. I don't even know who you are.

Why did you do this to me?

Words are not enough

I haven't written in here in a while... I don't know who to go to. There is no one I want to talk to about this or be with right now except for Nick. But we need space right now. I hate that it seems like something we have to do because I don't like being away from him. I never saw this ever actually coming. I thought he was better than this... His actions don't even compare to what he did. He tells me all the time how amazing I am. He does so much for me. He gives me so much love... how is this possible? He told me its because he doesn't get flattered by other women and it made him feel good about himself. That my beauty and talents intimidate him.

I don't understand why he feels so insecure. He is the most amazing person I know. He is so smart but he never believes me. He has such a charm with people. He knows how to talk to anyone and make them feel better. He has such a caring heart. He has such a natural appeal to him. What girl wouldn't want him? I used to be pretty jealous at one time. When he started college at UNT and I was in Mesquite still. All I could think about is all the girls flirting with him and him liking the attention. I guess since I'm always around he doesn't get it. I try to compliment him all the time but he never really accepts it. I love his dark shaggy hair, his brown soft eyes with his thick lashes and scruffy beard. I love his smile. After 5 years it still gives me butterflies, mostly when he looks at me like I'm the only one for him. He has the perfect shaped body. Strong shoulders. I love every single thing about him.

I don't want anyone else... My friends are already telling me who I should flirt with and talk to. I haven't and I don't plan to.

I feel so weak... I never wanted to feel this weak for love. I thought people were fools for it. I had no idea. How can I let him go? I love being with him. Before I found out what happen we were so perfect. But how can I stay with him? He broke our trust... How do I not know it won't happen again? I feel like I'm not enough for him. I don't feel like I am pretty enough for him in his eyes. I feel like if we are on a break he will somehow find someone and think that I'm not really what he wants.

I wish the anwser was easy. I wish I just knew how things should be.

I fucking love him. I hate this all so much. I feel so alone.

I don't know what is the truth from him because he won't tell me. He is too scared to tell me. He always told me that he couldn't cheat on me because he wouldn't be able to keep it from me. He would feel too guilty and tell me. But I found out on my own, the hard way. I feel like it hurts more this way.

I wish I could just change my life completely and live in Germany. I definitely don't want to be here.

where is my home? :[